Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
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Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
good morning
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.