Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
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John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application