I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
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Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.