Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
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give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]