I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
You Might Also Like
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
lmao
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans