to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
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It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
From Facebook just now…
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway