Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
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Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
January has been Januweary
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.