*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
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I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.