[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
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-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Real House Wines.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ