A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
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I am crying
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
@funTweeters
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.