Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
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Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
yall want some gasoline milk
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
For anyone who needs this today
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
CRYING
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…