Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
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You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that