Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
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Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.