I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
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Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.