Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
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Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.