Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
You Might Also Like
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”