Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*