For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
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Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Straight people are cancelled
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us