*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
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Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
That 👊
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now