My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
You Might Also Like
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I’m not proud
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
This anagram machine is out of order.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you