If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
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I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Just say no
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*