Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
You Might Also Like
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
guys I’m going home
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Finally
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”