Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
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I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.