Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
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The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
back to work
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?