The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
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The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.