βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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professor x: whatβs your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: thatβs stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Me: youβre my first customer so forgive me if Iβm slow
Bank robber: youβre doing great buddy
If youβve ever wanted to change up your name, nowβs the time. New name, add a name, doesnβt matter. When you go back to work, itβll be all Yeah, Tom, Iβm pretty sure my last nameβs always been Twizzlers.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. π
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you donβt trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* donβt be silly
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
My daughter just told me she doesnβt like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
men donβt eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isnβt going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Next time someone says βIβm a huggerβ and tries to hug me Iβm gonna say βIβm a puncherβ and see how it goes.