I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
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Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.