It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
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Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.