[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
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Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating