I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
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Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
my name if I was in the mob
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Breaking news:
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.