Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
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Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze