They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
You Might Also Like
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Google assistant rules
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?