Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
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Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”