I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
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Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.