Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
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May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Don’t we all.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower