I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
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Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
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In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again