“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
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Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Lmao
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
There’s always that one guy
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.