[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
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A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
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Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*