Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
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Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
For anyone who needs this today
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week