Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
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My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
subtitles are so good nowadays
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB