Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
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First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
mumsnet is amazing
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.