damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
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[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile