living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
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I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I…do not understand how electricity works.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.