Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
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I have a new favorite meme page
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time