I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
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Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?