The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
The old gods are rising again.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
…u ok Nintendo?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.