There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
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Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.