Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
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I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
*jazz hands*
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s