You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
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My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Krampus.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Me driving through Toronto
Note to self: always read the final line