I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
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My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Need this in my life lol
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
me irl
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.